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Conversations I Might Have, If I Was Invited To the Weddings of Former Friends from High School
by Steven Smith
posted 06.27.05
Me: Everyone here is curious to know what you see in him. Because in high school we teased him for being shy and kind of boring.
Bride: He’s really very sensitive.
Me: By calling him “sensitive”, aren’t you just drawing focus away from his complete lack of personality?
Bride: I wouldn’t be marrying him if he had no personality, would I?
Me: I suppose not...unless of course, you too had no...err, are those crab puffs?
Bride: mmm hmmm
# # # # # # # # # #
Me: You never liked me when ****** and I hung out in high school, did you?
Groom’s Mom: You were disrespectful. And I thought you were a bad influence on him.
Me: And yet your new daughter-in-law is the one that gave him genital warts. Funny how that worked out, huh?
# # # # # # # # # #
Me: It’s nice to know that even after six years, you and I are still the same.
Groom: Yeah. I’m getting laid tonight and you’re still a prick.
Me: You forgot the part about me still wishing you were dead!
# # # # # # # # # #
Me: Remember me? Steven. ***** and I used to hang out when we were in high school?
Groom’s Hot Sister: Oh yeah. Didn’t you have a sister that was my age?
Me: Are you 26?
GHS: Yup.
Me: Yeah, my sister’s 26. Y’know, I always thought you were gorgeous. I had this all-consuming crush on you.
GHS: That’s sweet.
Me: Thanks. I remember you used to date that tennis player...
GHS: Keith?
Me: Keith! That’s the guy. Whatever happened to him?
GHS: We broke up about…about nine or ten months ago.
Me: No shit? What a dick! I can’t believe anyone would leave you.
GHS: Thanks.
Me: It’s true. (beat x3) So what’re you up to these days?
GHS: (looking at watch) Well, I’m heading home in a few to babysit. Duty calls.
Me: Oh...Oh! OHHHH!
GHS: Yeah.
Me: With Keith?
GHS: Bingo!
Me: Shit. Sorry about what I said before.
GHS: Don’t sweat it. Wanna give me a ride home?
Me: It would be my pleasure. Is there any chance that this run-of-the-mill lift in my car could turn...naughty?
GHS: (chuckles) Sure, why not. I can’t believe I just said that.
Me: Me either. Do you think your baby is strong enough to hold up this video camera?
GHS: Get in the car, pervert.
# # # # # # # # # #
Groom: Who invited you?
Me: I came with *****. I’m “and guest”.
Groom: Well aren’t you the resourceful sonoffabitch.
Me: You didn’t think I’d miss your big day, did you? Especially considering I’m the only one in possession of these extremely embarrassing prom night photos.
Groom: You said you didn’t make copies!
Me: And destroy evidence of your (glances at photo) curiously strong interest in all things equine? Heavens no.
Groom: You can’t hold me to that. The stable door was unlocked and I was drunk.
Me: Drunk on lust, from the looks of these pictures. Where’d you get that jockey uniform?
Groom: Borrowed it from the Thespian Society costume closet.
Me: Ah.
Groom: So can we come to some sort of understanding?
Me: Dunno. I was really looking forward to dropping these (removes incriminating slides from jacket pocket) into that slide projector over there? You know, give your Dad’s toast a lil’ spice.
Groom: Just take an armful of packages from the gift table and get the fuck out of here.
Me: You’re a peach. It was a pleasure doing the biz. I’ll see you and the lucky bride at your tenth anniversary party. (pockets slides)