I Just Wasn't That Into You

by Steven Smith

posted 01.24.05

• On our blind date, during one of many moments of awkward silence, you started talking about our mutual friend Mark who set us up. You said, “Mark’s great. Isn’t he just great?” to which I replied by hissing like a feral cat, coating your face in a thin sheen of spittle. I then expressed disappointment that my spit failed to eat away at your skin, “like in the movies.”

• When you asked me to come up with a cute pet name for you, all I could muster was “Tit Sag”, as in “How many times have I told you to stop calling me at work, Tit Sag?” Your pursed lips told me you weren’t fond of the name. I called you “Jugg Slug” instead.

• When you cooked an “extra special meal” for our one-year anniversary, I told you I wouldn’t eat it even if I was starving and had to choose between the meal and cock.

• When you brought up the subject of moving in together I vomited blood in your handbag.

• I kept assuring you that the Swiss chocolates I bought you for Valentine’s Day were supposed to have a strychnine-y aftertaste; that it’s because they were “fancy” and “imported”.

• I digitally blurred your face on our homemade sex tapes.

• When I met your parents for the first time and your Mom made an off hand joke about marriage, I told them why bother with the expense and hassle of planning a wedding when I could just cut to the chase and fill my anus with bees.

• When you would leave the house in the morning to pick up the paper, I kept accidentally backing over you with the riding mower.

• For months during sex, after you’d expressed a desire to have children, I would pull out prematurely and come in your hair.

• On your 30th birthday you said you wanted to feel like you were in college again. While we were dancing that night at a club downtown, I passed you a packet of coke and you asked me where I got it. I told you I scored it from a co-worker, but I really siphoned the powder from that urn on the mantle next to the picture of your Nanna Bippy.

• When you got up in the middle of the night to pee, I shot at you with the Glock I keep under my pillow. I insisted that in the dark, you looked like a violent intruder who happened to have disguised himself in the very same lingerie you always wore.

• I coerced you into terminating the pregnancy and then filed for divorce.