A List of Useless Similes

by Steven Smith

posted 04.24.05

• The drink of water was refreshing like taking a dump in an airplane lavatory.

• The day was filled with possibility, like a girl standing in the feminine hygiene aisle at the supermarket at the exact moment her first period begins.

• The woman in the seat next to me spoke without stopping, like a person who talks a lot; not realizing that the person they’re talking to is trying to read.

• I was as embarrassed as the Grand Wizard attending a regional lynching, only to discover BBQ sauce stains on his dress hood.

• The horse followed its rider’s every command, like a baby kidnapped by an old man and then raised as a super obedient, slave baby.

• After the day Mike had, he needed a strong drink, like an alcoholic who just beat his wife or had a drink.

• The shoe was a snug fit, like a handjob from a guitar player in a ska band.

• He preferred to focus on the future, like a new Pope with a Nazi past.

• The meal was unappetizing, like the refreshments table at a community college production of “The Vagina Monologues”.

• The cologne smelled like day old date rape.

• The weather was gray and bleak like the future of an orphan with cancer and no college diploma trying to find a job that pays a living wage in a competitive job market.