Other Uses for That Unicorn

by Steven Smith

posted 03.28.05

• Cater to your husband’s kink without having to get caught up in the post-coital awkwardness that comes with a standard, all human three-way.

• That cake mix isn’t going to stir itself.

• Send the unicorn to school with your son for show-and-tell. Make sure he demonstrates for the class all of the unicorn’s magical traits, such as its rainbow belly and mane made of sunshine. For his big finish, tell your son to mount the unicorn, stare that group of bigger boys that have been calling him “sissy” straight in the eyes, and with a theatrical flourish say, “Who’s faggy now?”

• Grind up it’s hooves to make your own sparkly, glitter glue.

• Normal fertilizer can be used to make normal bombs. So magical fertilizer can make magic bombs. That ought to wipe the smile off that Blockbuster manager’s face. Him and his late fee, goose stepping Gestapo.

• Crossbreed a unicorn with neighborhood strays to kick start a horned toy dog trend. Should your unholy experiment yield any crimes against nature, such as a hooved puppy born with it’s central nervous system outside of the body, just drown it in a bucket out back.

• Unicorn-skin gloves aren’t waterproof and don’t do to great a job of keeping out the cold, but whoever said high fashion was functional? To make your own, you’ll need one full unicorn pelt for each finger, so you might want to start laying steel traps in the enchanted forest ASAP.

• Princess pussy magnet.

• The only way to kill a unicorn is by cutting their horn off. So they’re the ideal animals for cosmetics testing.

• If you’re running low on Red Bull and you aren’t ready for the night to end, unicorn blood mixes great with vodka.

• When you’re parents come home early from their weekend away, only to find your raging kegger sputtering to a close and their house in shambles, blame it on the unicorn.

• Unicorn magic won’t bring your dead wife back, but it can lie in your empty bed and help you pass those long, lonely nights.