Things I Learned This Week From Being Unemployed

by Steven Smith

posted 08.16.05

• If you’re poor, from a rural area in the Southern United States and you want to sue a family member on TV for breaking your incomplete collection of Flintstones juice glasses, that’s called “Texas Justice”.

• Your family and friend’s failure to e-mail you every five minutes has nothing to do with them being busy. It has everything to do with them not caring about you.

• Hold the shirtless hippie smoking cigarettes on the fire escape opposite you in disdain. But know this: he’s probably thinking the same thing about you as he watches you cook ramen in your underwear for the third day in a row.

• You keep telling yourself, “Just one more time today” over and over again. Why not just levy a Masturbation Prohibition?

• Slipping on flip flops, turning the ripe t-shirt your wearing inside out and shuffling half a block down the street to buy a dozen donuts does not a productive day make.

• Your lack of interest in the programming on Spike TV: Television for Men makes you wonder if your parents fashioned you a penis out of Bondo when you were a baby and have been playing a righteous joke on you for the last 24 years.

• Being a stay-at-home Mom would be awesome if not for the responsibility of watching kids and the bit about lying in a hospital bed, enduring the pain of your vagina exploding.

• Saving money is easy. Every time you feel the urge to spend, just cry instead!

• New York is a city brimming with possibility and millions of jobs waiting to be filled. You are only qualified for three of them.