Things I Learned This Week From Riding Public Transportation

by Steven Smith

posted 09.07.05

• New York is the city that never sleeps. New Yorkers are the commuters that occasionally feel compelled to masturbate on the R train during rush hour.

• There’s a fine line between a nightmare (stopped in a subway tunnel) and a dream come true (stopped in a subway tunnel with models and their wayward cleavage).

• For some reason, Asian people always get off at Canal, Grand St. and other stops in Chinatown.

• A reliable scale when deciding how many seats to place between yourself and other commuters:
      • Typical passenger----1 seat buffer
      • Crying baby----2 seat buffer
      • Puerto Rican couple in the middle of a screaming match----5 seat buffer
      • Homeless transient whose legs are covered in weeping sores----better take the bus

• If a woman across the aisle is quietly sobbing, it’s probably best not to get involved. It is, however, perfectly acceptable for you to gawk at her, mouth open, for the next 45 minutes, turning your head only when she looks in your direction.

• I’m not crazy. And I’m not talking to “the voices in my head”. I’m just singing along to music. MUSIC IN MY HEAD!!!! HA HA HA HA HA! (shits pants)

• It’s pointless to waste your time and energy stigmatizing women that breastfeed on the train. Especially when there’s mother’s encouraging their kids to piss in empty Arizona Iced Tea bottles.

• Don’t enter lightly into conversations with strangers. Unless you’re hard up for advice about the best way to cheat on your girlfriend or were wondering which of the underage passengers are “prime for some raping”.

• For the sake of peace of mind, just tell yourself that the seat/rail/floor is supposed to be sticky/wet/covered in blood. Then, when you get home, boil your extremities.