Things I Learned This Week From Reading Magazines

by Steven Smith

posted 06.15.05

• Thanks to gender pre-disposition, my only interests are GIRLS, SPORTS, BEER, GADGETS and CLOTHES. Since READING and SPENDING MONEY didn’t appear on my short list of favorites, I avoided buying a word-filled rag and wasting $3.95. (Maxim)

• After a five-year hiatus, Trent Reznor is back to rock our socks off and underwhelm every other part of us. (Spin)

• Judging by the cover story “Why We Love Caffeine?”, National Geographic finally realized that Americans stopped giving a fuck about nature, cheetahs and Africa a long time ago. (National Geographic)

• Judging by the 18-page photo spread (“Ma Ma Cat”) about cheetahs in the African plains, I spoke too soon.** (National Geographic)

• All of America loves “Lost” and “Desperate Housewives”! That makes my girlfriend and I, like French, I guess. (Entertainment Weekly)

• After reading the cover story “The Real Story Behind ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’”, I felt cheated. Sure, I learned a lot about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the movie that brought them together. But not a word was mentioned about the real, real story. The one about nobody giving a fuck. (Entertainment Weekly)

• Apparently some huge asshole was elected president and it’s got actors, professors, baby killers, the homos and a handful of Jews super pissed. (The Nation)

• PCs are for philistines and I may never lose my virginity. (Macworld)

• White people spend money on the darndest things! (Food & Wine)

• Most women aren’t fond of ass fucking. But if they’re starving freelance writers, anal disdain won’t stop them from writing lists like “10 Tips to Get It In Her End”. (FHM)

• Publishing a magazine about progressive politics will place you firmly on the moral high ground. But it also banishes you to ad sales purgatory. We’re talking the Bolivia of ad sales. (Mother Jones)

• With so much juicy celebrity news transpiring from week-to-week, it’s a wonder anyone reports about the war these days. Oh wait, they don’t. (Newsweek)

• Just the other day, I threw down a text-heavy magazine, thrust my hands toward the heavens and cried out, “When is someone going to eschew content entirely in favor of hundreds of pages of ads with gorgeous men and women relaxing on the prows of multi-million dollar yachts and trying earnestly to sell me fine, silky garments?” Consider my prayers answered. (Details)

• Andy Warhol once said, “In the future, everyone will have their own magazine that no one reads. And AIDS.” I guess he was half right. (Interview)

• Simple Plan has a new album coming out. Enjoy the apocalypse. (Rolling Stone)