No One Thinks Suicide Is Funny

by Steven Smith

posted 04.12.05

Classmate #1: Did you study for the test?
Classmate #2: Little bit. You?
Classmate #1: I was up all night. If I don’t get at least a C I’m going to kill myself.
Classmate #2: (visibly hurt, crosses arms across his chest to hide long pink scars on his wrists)
Classmate #1: Yeeesh, sorry man. I didn’t mean—it’s just if I don’t get a good—damn, I’m sorry about that.

Mother: How was school today honey?
Daughter: It sucked dick.
Mother: What have I told you about using language like that in this house?
Daughter: To use it all the time because you’re a dumb bitch?
Mother: That’s it. You’re father’s going to hear about this when he gets home.
Daughter: Fine! I hate you and Dad anyway! I wish I was dead!
Mother: (beat x5) Who wants ice cream?

Worker #1: That movie “Virgin Suicides” was on HBO last night. You seen it?
Worker #2: No. Any good?
Worker #1: I haven’t made up my mind yet. It’s about all these girls that kill themselves, one after another.
Worker #2: Sounds kind of morbid to me.
Temp: No kidding. Just this morning on the train ride in I was all, “Man, I wish I was dead!” You know.
Worker #1 and #2: …
Temp: No, not like I was actually gonna—it’s just that I have a Masters in philosophy, so coming here each day is kind of like…
Worker #1: Who are you?
Water Cooler: (gurgles)

Jumper: Don’t try to stop me! I can’t go on anymore!
Negotiator with Megaphone: Now just calm down sir. Can’t we talk this through?
Jumper: And don’t try to change my mind with any of that Psych 101 bullshit!
Negotiator with Megaphone: Whatever you say. You’re in charge here.
Crowd Member #1: Ten bucks says he pusses out.
Crowd Member #2: Not cool. You’ll feel like a piece of shit if he jumps.
Jumper: This is all my boss' fault. “No longer a worthwhile part of the organization,” he says. “Your services are no longer needed,” he tells me.
Negotiator with Megaphone: I’m sure if you just reconsider we can see about getting your job back.
Crowd Member #1: Fat chance. His boss’ll never take him back after this little diva routine.
Crowd Member #2: Have a little sympathy. How the hell would you react if you got axed out of the blue?
Crowd Member #1: I sure as hell wouldn’t burden everyone else with my problems on the ledge of a public building.
Crowd Member #2: That’s cold man. Real cold.
Negotiator with Megaphone: That’s it, sir. Just step back through the window.
Crowd Member #1: Jump!
Negotiator with Megaphone: Shut the fuck up!
Crowd Member #1: Why? Look at him. He wants to die. Who’re you to take that from him.
Jumper: Who said that?
Negotiator with Megaphone: Never mind him sir. Just get yourself safely back inside.
Crowd Member #1: Jump!
Negotiator with Megaphone: Cool it, pal.
Crowd Member #1:You’ve kept us waiting this long! All I’m saying is, you might as well finish what you started!
Jumper: Shut up!
Crowd Member #1: Coward!
Jumper: Who the hell are you?!
Crowd Member #1: Just a guy with a job because he finishes what he starts. Unlike you, if I crawled out on that ledge it would’ve been with the intent of—
Jumper: (splat)
Crowd Member #1: …
Crowd Member #2: I think you owe me ten bucks.

Boy: (writing on sheet of notebook paper) “Dear Mom and Dad, I don’t want you to think that this is your fault. You guys are great parents and I love you both so much. It’s just that I haven’t been happy for a long time and so I’ve decided that"

(to himself) Pen is out of ink. (he uncaps a new pen)

“…and so I’ve decided that I need to put an end to my"

Shit! Mom?!?
Mother: (from other room) Yes honey?
Boy: Do you have any fresh ballpoint pens? Mine is out of ink.
Mother: Sorry dear. We’re all out.
Boy: How about pencils?
Mother: Nope!
Boy: Crayons, watercolors, anything?
Mother: Sorry dear. I can pick up all the arts and crafts supplies you want when I go to the grocery store tomorrow.
Boy: Thanks Mom!
Mother: No problem sweetie!
Boy: (places suicide draft in desk drawer)