Slippery Slopes

by Steven Smith

posted 09.04.05

Benefit: A recycling machine that intuitively sorts glass, plastic and paper waste. Freed from the hassle of sorting their own garbage, people begin to recycle in record numbers, which has a positive impact on the reversal of environmental degradation.

Cost: In order to begin operation, a mechanism must be primed by feeding a single baby into a large, stainless steel thrasher at the rear of the machine.

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Benefit: Scientists engineer a well-balanced, dietary paste that could succeed in wiping out starvation epidemics in less developed nations.

Cost: The paste is comprised of water, Gluten and a chewy bio-matter that scientists nickname “abortion jerky”.

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Benefit: The FAA perfects a method for streamlining passenger check-in without compromising the highest standard of safety in air travel.

Cost: On domestic flights, all passengers are required to wear skin-tight Lycra onesies and a geosynchronous anal diode that tracks and controls their behavior at altitudes in excess of 1,000 feet.

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Benefit: A clean-burning, renewable fuel replaces the planets rapidly dwindling natural resources.

Cost: Widowed old ladies put up one hell of a fight when you force them into The Liquefier. And the fuel produced from the really lonely ladies tends to gunk up your car’s engine, requiring regular and costly tune-ups.

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Benefit: The world’s nations ban together and finally save the whales.

Cost: All of the whale-centric crusading results in the neglect and eventual extinction of puppies, baby chicks, fluffy bunnies and Africa.