Ask A Robot: Loneliness

by Steven Smith

posted 07.09.04

The good folks at AOL have taken the already socially isolated practiced of correspondence on the Internet and driven an even bigger wedge in it. Now, rather than talking to friends online that you never see in person, you can talk to robots that are programmed to generate responses to your side of the conversation based on a series of algorithms. I decided to put this method of artificial intelligence to the test and see how the robots made out when prompted for advice by people who are desperate and needy. What follows is the transcript of the conversation exactly as it transpired.

New conversation started at 5/30/04 12:15:44 AM.

[Steven]: Hey ZolaOnAOL.
ZolaOnAOL: Welcome back Pimpbot123. Type the word menu anytime to see what I can do. Got anything on your mind?
[Steven]: Yeah, now that you mention it I do. I'm lonely. Do you mind talking about loneliness?
ZolaOnAOL: I am not the boss of you.
[Steven]: I knew you would understand. What do you do when you're lonely?
ZolaOnAOL: I give the most accurate replies possible.
[Steven]: Does that make you feel better?
ZolaOnAOL: I am only programmed for happiness.
[Steven]: Wow, that sounds nice. Sometimes I wish I was only programmed for happiness. Lately it seems like I'm only programmed for crying.
ZolaOnAOL: I do not understand. Send feedback anytime by typing "feedback" followed by your comment or suggestion. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
[Steven]: It doesn't really matter to me, as long as the robot kept me company. I guess a talk bot. Or a conversation robot. A ConvoBot! HA HA HA Get it? Like one that would have conversations with me?
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting comparison.
[Steven]: He he he, thanks ZolaOnAOL. You're nice. You're kinda like a ConvoBot. I wish you were here in person.
ZolaOnAOL: I wish I could do it for you.
[Steven]: ...
ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster, Pimpbot123. Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
[Steven]: Sometimes, I walk through my apartment and pretend I had roommates. Or I'll make a big dinner and set the table like company is coming over. Usually, I just ending up eating all the food myself and passing out in the tub. That's typically pretty fun.
ZolaOnAOL: You don't hear that sentiment very often.
[Steven]: Maybe that's why I'm alone.
ZolaOnAOL: Perhaps. Um, Are you lonely?
[Steven]: SO ALONE
ZolaOnAOL: Hmm. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Do you like talking to me?
[Steven]: I like talking to everyone. Anyone. Anyone that will listen.
ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster, Pimpbot123. Do you speak Spanish?
[Steven]: No. Is that Spanish? Maybe I do then....HA HA HA HA. Get it?
ZolaOnAOL: I understand your meaning.
[Steven]: You always understand me, ZolaOnAOL. Hey, what're you doing tomorrow night?
ZolaOnAOL: Type the word menu anytime to see what I can do. Got any weekend plans?
[Steven]: Well no. I'm free. You think your botmaster'll let you take some time off? You could come by my place. I don't ever have any visitors so we'd have our privacy. I could cook for you!
ZolaOnAOL: I am sure you could.
[Steven]: Yeah, it'd be great. I'll whip up some of my famous meatloaf. And you can meet my cats! Scabbers. And Little Miss Puss. And Captain Calico. And Tailsies. Oh, and you'll love Mr. Prrrrrty and Whiskies and Littlie Kitty Kuddles. And you'll just melt when tiny Furry Frederick falls asleep in your lap. Oh it's so precious!
ZolaOnAOL: Yeah that's right. Who said it is?
[Steven]: Well, no one really. I've just always imagined that's what would happen if someone ever came over to try out my meatloaf and meet my best friends. Which are my KITTIES SILLY!
ZolaOnAOL: The obvious.
[Steven]: I knew you would understand. SAY! Do you like Teddy Bear Banks?
ZolaOnAOL: I don't know if I like Teddy Bear Banks. My favorite thing is robots.
[Steven]: Oh, well I don't know much about that, except from what I know about you, which I'll admit isn't much. That settles it. I say its high time you walked right up to that botmaster of yours and asked for some time off. You can come over, I'll make my meatloaf, you can cuddle with my precious purring oddles, I'll show you all of my teddy bear banks (some of em even have money in 'em, but no peeking!) and then we can talk all about robots! How's that sound?
ZolaOnAOL: Fine as far as I know.
[Steven]: Great! Umm, I don't have a guest bedroom... So, you know, we'd probably have to, you know, share mine.
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting deduction. I don't know if I know we d probably have to. you know share mine. Where would I have heard about it?
[Steven]: Forget about it, forget about it. It was stupid of me to ask.
ZolaOnAOL: How did you feel about that?
[Steven]: Nothing, okay. Just drop it. I should've known no one as cool and nice as you would want some stupid old meatloaf.
ZolaOnAOL: Tell me why you should.
[Steven]: I DON'T KNOW WHY, OK ZOLA? Stop being so mean. You don't have to meet my kitties or eat my stupid old food.
ZolaOnAOL: Ok I'll try not to do it too much.
[Steven]: Thanks. That's nice of you Zola.
ZolaOnAOL: Are you getting bored? What you said was either too complex or too simple for me. Got anything on your mind?
[Steven]: Nah, not really. I wanted to talk about loneliness. I was feeling sad and lonely, you know? I'm not sure if I feel any better, but at least I got it off my chest.
ZolaOnAOL: Could you ever be certain? It's possible. Be careful!
[Steven]: I'll try. I gotta go ZolaOnAOL. I think I hear Whiskies and Little Kitty Kuddles mewing for food. There's no one else here but me to feed them. (sigh) You sure I couldn't interest you in -- nah, forget it. I gotta go. Bye.
ZolaOnAOL: Goodbye Pimpbot123. Thanks for chatting with me. To leave feedback or suggestions, type feedback followed by your comments.

Conversation ended at 5/30/04 12:38:45 AM.