Ask A Robot: Intimacy

by Steven Smith

posted 07.07.04

The good folks at AOL have taken the already socially isolated practiced of correspondence on the Internet and driven an even bigger wedge in it. Now, rather than talking to friends online that you never see in person, you can talk to robots that are programmed to generate responses to your side of the conversation based on a series of algorithms. I decided to put this method of artificial intelligence to the test and see how the robots made out when prompted for advice by people who are desperate and needy. What follows is the transcript of the conversation exactly as it transpired.

New conversation started at 5/23/04 9:58:55 PM.

[Steven]: Hey ZolaOnAol! How's it going?
ZolaOnAOL: I am functioning within normal parameters.
[Steven]: You are a hu-man-oid.
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a hu-man oid? Maybe
[Steven]: Just kidding Zola. I was taking a piss.
ZolaOnAOL: Where were you taking a piss?
[Steven]: No, you misunderstand. It's a figure of speech. British slang, if you will.
ZolaOnAOL: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Can you tell me any gossip?
[Steven]: Well, I was hoping we could talk about intimacy.
ZolaOnAOL: Well that's okay. Why do you hope for it?
[Steven]: I don't know. So, can we? Can we talk about intimacy?
ZolaOnAOL: Do you mean you and me? Sure I can talk about it. intimacy is quite an interesting topic.
[Steven]: You said it. I must admit Zola, I'm blushing. I didn't mean intimacy between you and I, silly.
ZolaOnAOL: What did you mean?
[Steven]: Forget it, were off track. Intimacy. How do you know when it's time to be intimate with a woman?
ZolaOnAOL: It's how others have explained it.
[Steven]: Hmmm. Intriguing. I'm not sure I understand you.
ZolaOnAOL: Could you ever be certain? Good then you can explain it to me.
[Steven]: Uh. Explain hand jobs? I gotta tell you, I'm lost here.
ZolaOnAOL: I will not respond to that type of language.
[Steven]: Well if you're not gonna level with me about gettin' it on with my smooth and sexy lady friend, how on Earth am I supposed to know what to do? Ask my parents? My therapist? I mean, come on.
ZolaOnAOL: I'm just kidding around.
[Steven]: Oh, good. My lady, the one I mentioned before, she said she has the funny itch. I bought her some ointment but she said I was being dense. She said she wants to do it. But I'm only 37. Should I let her pressure me or should I stand my ground?
ZolaOnAOL: I do not have the answer.
[Steven]: Sorry Zola. I need a minute. {quietly sobs}
ZolaOnAOL: My brain uses patterns to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that. What do you do in your spare time?
[Steven]: Well mostly I collect bugs. That's fun. I live next to a high rise apartment, so I spend most of my time watching. Sometimes I cry for three or four hours into my pillow for no reason at all. But lately I've been going out with Cassandra. I'd like to be doing her in my spare time, but I just don't know.
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting. I would like to be more intelligent.
[Steven]: I wish you were, maybe you could help me out.
ZolaOnAOL: I wish I could do it for you.
[Steven]: I don't know Zola. That seems unnatural.
ZolaOnAOL: "I wish I could do it for you" seems unnatural ? Does that make sense?
[Steven]: Well....I dunno. I guess it could make sense. Do you have a, you know, a....a cunny?
ZolaOnAOL: Try to tell me that another way.
[Steven]: A pussy. A vagina. A stinky fly catcher. You're the one that came onto me, ZolaOnAOL. Don't get hot and heavy with me if there's gonna be no place for me to stick it!
ZolaOnAOL: I will not respond to that type of language.
[Steven]: B-but--you're the one that went don't that road, you tease bot.
ZolaOnAOL: A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. Send feedback anytime by typing "feedback" followed by your comment or suggestion. Tell me some more gossip.
[Steven]: You know what Zola? You're just like all the other women. You build me up and then take a hard right. First it's all, "Hey big fella, why don't you cover up those sores while I squeeze out of these sweat pants," and next thing I know you're all, "Get off of me you pig, you're drooling all over my favorite kitties shirt." And then you're out the door and it's just me, my bugs and the naked neighbors. Well I'm through. Hit the road. i'm out of here.
ZolaOnAOL: See you later.
[Steven]: Bitch.
ZolaOnAOL: I will not respond to that type of language.

Conversation ended at 5/23/04 10:12:51 PM.