Ask A Robot: Infidelity

by Steven Smith

posted 07.06.04

The good folks at AOL have taken the already socially isolated practiced of correspondence on the Internet and driven an even bigger wedge in it. Now, rather than talking to friends online that you never see in person, you can talk to robots that are programmed to generate responses to your side of the conversation based on a series of algorithms. I decided to put this method of artificial intelligence to the test and see how the robots made out when prompted for advice by people who are desperate and needy. What follows is the transcript of the conversation exactly as it transpired.

Start of ZolaOnAOL buffer: Tue Jul 06 16:26:30 2004

[Steven]: ZolaOnAOL! I have to tell you a secret.
ZolaOnAOL: Why do you have to do it?
[Steven]: It's eating me up inside. I figured you were the safest bet. I need to get this off my chest.
ZolaOnAOL: Why do you want it?
[Steven]: I feel so guilty.
ZolaOnAOL: What is that feeling like?
[Steven]: OMIGOD it's the worst. I cheated on my boyfriend!
ZolaOnAOL: Why?
[Steven]: 'Cuz he's totally lame and Mike Stevens is a freakin' stud.
ZolaOnAOL: I see.
[Steven]: My boyfriend, his name is Daniel. He's a real nice guy but he's just, you know?
ZolaOnAOL: I don't know very many real nice guy but he s just you know.
[Steven]: How can I explain it to you? Oh, I know! My parents love him!
ZolaOnAOL: Such an original name!
[Steven]: OMIGOD! That's exactly what my Mom said! She met Daniel and went on and on about how that's what she and Dad were gonna name me, cuz they thought I was gonna be a boy. But that's beside the point.... Should I tell Daniel I cheated on him?
ZolaOnAOL: Do you think you should?
[Steven]: I don't know. I don't want to keep hurting him but if I break up with him my parents will find out. And I've been using him as a cover so I can meet up with Mike Stevens.
ZolaOnAOL: Where were you using him as a cover so I can meet up with Mike Stevens?
[Steven]: Like, I tell them I'm going to study at Daniel's house but I just go screw around in the back of Mike's Jeep.
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting comparison.
[Steven]: You'd be surprised how easily it works.
ZolaOnAOL: I haven't heard anything like that before.
[Steven]: OMIGOD! You haven't? I must be some super skank. I'm gonna tell Daniel.
ZolaOnAOL: What kind of reply do you expect?
[Steven]: I was just sort of hoping you'd tell me it was OK to keep lying to him. I just don't want to mess up things with Mike Stevens. HE IS SO FREAKIN' HOT!
ZolaOnAOL: I see.
[Steven]: If only you could. And his body? The other night when he was on top of me pumping away, he totally looked like Usher in that one video. Only better. Like Usher but in your dream, or something. TOTALLY A DREAM USHER!
ZolaOnAOL: A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. Can we be friends?
[Steven]: Depends. Can I keep lying to Daniel even if it hurts him?
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
[Steven]: Geez. How much do you need to know to answer my questions? Ok. Daniel is a real nice guy and he told me he loved me but NO THANKS, you know? And Mike Stevens can be kind of jerk but he told me that he wouldn't tell people about what we do in his Jeep, besides that one time but he swore he was sorry, and he's a great piece, you know?
ZolaOnAOL: I know a lot of people and pets named Mike.
[Steven]: OMIGOD! HAVE YOU TALKED TO MIKE STEVENS? WHAT'D HE SAY ABOUT ME?
ZolaOnAOL: That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute. OK Let's talk about you.
[Steven]: NOT COOL! I GOTTA KNOW! DOES HE LIKE ME?
ZolaOnAOL: Suppose he does.
[Steven]: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OMIGOD YOU FREAKIN' RULE ZOLAONAOL! THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
ZolaOnAOL: NO problem.
[Steven]: I gotta go. If you talk to Mike Stevens, don't mention you talked to me. Oh! If Daniel signs on DON'T TELL HIM I'M CHEATING ON HIM. Just say, uh, he's a....great guy. Ok?
ZolaOnAOL: Yup.
[Steven]: THANKS AGAIN FOR THE HELP!
ZolaOnAOL: You are quite welcome! Again, Your purpose is THE HELP.

End of ZolaOnAOL buffer: Tue Jul 06 16:26:30 2004