Respect the Cunt

by Steven Smith

posted 04.11.05

A friend of mine is a second year Med School student and is on the verge of conducting his first ObGyn exam. In order to maintain an atmosphere of respect and professionalism, the students were given the following tips in advance.

• Avoid cocktail party, “d’ya come here often” chitchat while you’re “all up in it”.

• Try to expedite the examination so that the patient spends as little time as necessary on the examination table. Don’t under any circumstances ask her to “just hold tight” while you “upload some photos to your blog”.

• Making balloon animals does not break the tension and lighten the mood during a gynecological examination. It just doesn’t. It’s weird.

• Wear dress attire and a white coat at all times during examinations. Velour tracksuits, gold medallions and chunky rings are to be avoided.

• Don’t whistle while you work.

• Should the patient experience a bout of vaginal flatulence, excuse yourself, leave the room, call your roommate from college, fill him in on what happened, laugh into the phone without interruption for 7 minutes or so and then return to the examination room.

• Refer to the assisting RN by her name, not as “Nurse Cock Block”.

• Avoid eating a fudgesicle before seeing a patient b’c nobody likes sticky, chocolate fingerprints on their cervix.

• You shouldn’t hold the speculum ten feet away from the patient, scream at the top of your lungs, “Open wide for Spread ‘Em Express” and then approach slowly while making chugging train noises. That’s just condescending.

• No matter how much you trust your comedic instincts, wearing a miner’s helmet and headlamp is never a good icebreaker, nor is it particularly funny.

• Blowing raspberries, while well intended, still constitutes rape.

• The following exclamations should be avoided through the entirety of the examination: “Jackpot!” “Daddy needs a new setta rims!” “Whatchoo talkin’ bout, clitoris?” “Echohhhh-ohhh-ohh-oh!” and finally, mimicking the sound of a tugboat.