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The Old Man on the Train Was Spouting Off Again
by Steven Smith
posted 10.28.05
<Stop gnashing your gums like that Oliver. You’re giving that child opposite you an awful fright!>
The Old Man locked eyes with The Child and bared his lone tooth.
<Always a show-off. Have you gotten that out of your system? Honestly, you can be a real beast when you settle into one of your moods. Look alive now, this is our stop.>
The Old Man rose from his seat and headed towards the middle of the train. The doors shuddered open and he stepped onto the platform.
“AHHHH!” screamed The Old Man, realizing this was not his stop. “Fuckin’ asshole! Tricked again!” The Old Man shuffled back onto the train and reclaimed his seat, still warm.
<Oliver! Language! That was just my feeble attempt at a bit of levity. Lord knows we could use some today. Sakes alive! That woman with the adopted Chinese baby just clutched her child tighter to her bosom. That’s your handiwork mister.>
“I like the fabric. I like the touch.”
<I dare say it is a rather fetching garment that she’s trussed the little tyke up in. But isn’t a woolen button-up too abrasive for the poor girl’s soft, Oriental skin? Their alabaster hide makes them impossible to drown once the parents decide to try again for a son. So slippery!>
“Meanwhile, back at the ranch.”
<Well I presumed you of all people would permit me a slight lapse into confabulation, especially after your outburst at the tavern last week. It was good, plain luck that the constable was in a good enough mood to let us off with a stern warning. Besides, what’s a little gratuitous Chinese baby talk between friends?>
“Brrrm,” said The Old Man. “I’ll keep it out of harm’s way.”
<You’ll do no such thing. If you lay one hand on that poor woman’s child, I’ll scream. I won’t have us looking like a common rogue. Not today of all days!>
The Old Man locked eyes with The Chinese Baby.
“Hurrrrrb-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b, shim-meeeeee...”
The Chinese Baby let loose with a hiccupping laugh and a coo as it reached out to The Old Man. The Mother relaxed her grip a bit.
<Well if that isn’t the living end? You never fail to amaze me Oliver, old friend. Happy Birthday you lonely, lovable old coot.>
The Old Man gnashed his gums at nothing in particular.
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