A Letter to My Alumni Newsletter To Remind Them That I, Unlike Another Recent Graduate, Have Not Been Arrested For Soliciting Sex from Minors

by Steven Smith

posted 08.12.05

Greetings Buccaneers! It’s The Steveman dropping a line to let you guys know what I’ve been up to, lo these many years since graduation. Any of you care to make a prediction? If you guessed that I haven’t been soliciting sex from minors online, unlike Johnathan K--a, than you’d be right! Big time.

Yup, ever since I moved to New York, I’ve been far too busy to go online, track down 13-year old girls and convince them to meet me in the parking lot of a Quizno’s for a little suck and fuck. Besides, I don’t even know if New York has a Quizno’s, not to mention parking lots. What’s a potential rapist to do? Well for one, you don’t rape!

Back at SU, my friends and I used to like to write and film comedic sketches. I’m happy to report I’m keeping that tradition alive, two years after graduation. Maybe you’ve seen some of my work online. The one where a guy dreams that he’s being chased by teddy bears and dildos? That’s one of mine! Or the bit where a couple is having problems so they visit a relationship therapist that’s really a talking dog with gas? Mine too! Or the one where the stoic pedophile is setup by an undercover Cyber Crimes Unit investigator in his attempt to molest minors and instead of meeting his victim, he gets jumped by a team of officers and arrested and the whole thing is filmed and uploaded to the Internet? Sorry, not one of mine. You must be thinking of Johnathan K--a, the SU alum and alleged rapist. Just between you and me, I’d kill for the kind of traffic his video got. Kill, mind you, not rape kids. I’m not a monster.

My girlfriend of two and half years, a fellow SU alum, made the move to New York as well. The post-collegiate life in a city as big as New York hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to have a familiar face going through the same ordeal. I encouraged her to go back to school and get her MFA and she supports my varied creative pursuits. And to think, if it weren’t for SU, we’d never have met! My girlfriend is 24, not 13.

I’ve always been a bit of a cynic and I can remember scoffing the first time I read SU’s core values. But I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong. My life has been made immeasurably better thanks to a lifelong pursuit of knowledge and an appreciation for diverse perspectives. Making new friends is a snap too, if you stay true to yourself and remember to respect the dignity and worth of others. Those said, and understand I’m not trying to ruffle any feathers here, but I think that the fifth core value is a bit out of step with the others. I just don’t see the inherent value in “cultivating an online pederast persona”. But you know, I’ve only been out of school for two years and I still have a lot of growing to do. I doff my cap to Johnathan K--a though, for taking the lead with that last core value. That guy always was such a pioneer.

Well Buccaneers, I should sign off now. If SU taught me one thing, it’s the importance of staying busy. I trust you’re all well and encourage you to keep in touch. I hope all of you show up for the ten-year reunion, even if it’s via a video relay from Huntsville Prison.

I’m not a child rapist.

Yours,
Steven Smith