|
If I Was a Ninja
by Steven Smith
posted 09.28.05
If I was a ninja, I’d keep the Bisquik and measuring cup and syrup on a really high shelf, 30 feet in the air. That way when Sunday morning rolled around and it was time to cook pancakes, I could leap into the air and do a bunch of flips each time I needed a new ingredient. My kids would be impressed but my wife Sherry would accuse me of being a big-time, show-off jerk.
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, me and my buddy Steve would hang out in elevators in tall buildings all day long. And when the doors opened up, I’d have my sword drawn on Steve and he’d be blubbering and carrying on about how he’ll “get Mr. Yamamoto the money by the end of the week” and begging me not to hurt him or his “wife and children”. And the guys with their suits and briefcases would get a load of me and Steve and be like, “I think I’ll take the stairs.”
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I’d go to Antoni’s Pastry Shop and make small talk with Antoni. And whenever he had his back turned, I’d snatch a cannoli with the help of my lightning speed. After about four or five free cannolis, I’d waltz out the door, not even bothering to wipe the crumbs or creamy filling from my mouth. Antoni wouldn’t say a thing either because whose gonna step to a ninja?
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I’d cancel my gym membership. Who needs free weights and stationary bikes when you can jog along rooftops, treetops and the surface of lakes and shit?
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I’d get into bar fights. Some big son of a bitch would throw a punch at me and miss. Then he’d feel a tap on his shoulder and turn around and I’d be standing there, all casual. BLAM! I’d take out him and his five buddies all at once. Then I’d just walk out of the place really slowly, leaving the bartender speechless in the middle of drying a glass with his bartender rag. And if I remembered to, I’d say something really cool and hardcore about my ninja skills. But it’s pretty hard to think up those kinds of things right there on the spot.
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I’d go back and visit my old English teacher Mrs. Davis. I bet it’d make her happy to see that I amounted to something and that my ninja training kept me out of trouble. If she let me, I’d even show her students how to take out a sworn enemy with some throwing stars because high school kids are into stuff like that.
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I’d have to find something to swear revenge for. Nobody killed my parents or burned down my village or kidnapped my wife or nothing. O’Sullivan cut my shift hours at the plant and that kind of sucked. And Steve borrowed my truck and brought it back with an empty tank of gas. But none of that stuff is worth killing a guy over. I’m gonna have to work on the whole revenge angle.
- - - - -
If I was a ninja, I wouldn’t wear by black karate pajamas and facemask all the time. That way if I was at the grocery store or, like, my kid’s soccer game and some stuff went down, I could save the day. And people would be going wild because this regular dude just whipped out some serious ninja shit and saved them all from a terrorist or a meteor. And when they say, “You’re like some kind of ninja!” I could say, “No, no. I am just one man.” But we all know I'm really secretly a ninja.