Murphy's Other Laws

by Steven Smith

posted 02.07.05

• The one time you drop trou to go without checking for toilet paper is the one time the toilet paper dispenser will be empty.

• Never trust a man farther than you can throw him. Also, never trust a dwarf no matter the circumstances. I don’t care if the tiny bastards weigh next to nothing; they are always out to screw you.

• Fuck the police. Fuck the police. Fuck ‘em.

• Step on a crack; break your mother’s back. Call off your nuptials with a wonderful girl like Sandra whose from a good family; break your mother’s heart.

• Father knows best. Especially when he’s been taking sips from those unmarked clay jugs that he has stashed in the woods behind the house.

• Nothing is more adorable than a laughing baby. Nothing is more sophisticated than a baby that smokes.

• Anything that can go wrong will go wrong if you’re a Jewish gypsy and live in Poland in the early 1940s.

• Pussy’s pussy. Ass is ass.

• Work long and hard to make your dreams come true unless your dreams require you to get out of bed before the crack of noon.

• Optimism is the last refuge of fools. That is unless you’ve got a gold-plated dick and a kitchen faucet with hot and cold running cocaine. If that’s the case then, well hell, I guess the sky is the limit.

• If you smile even when things are going wrong, people will think you are retarded.

• Never stick a fork in the microwave or touch your tongue to a metal pole in January. Oh! And by “microwave” I mean your eye and “a metal pole in January” refers to your best friends hot mom.

• Closing time is still closing time even if you forgot to set your watch ahead for Daylight Savings Time or if you’re drinking imported beer.