Little Known Spells

by Steven Smith

posted 06.28.05

• Menstruato Ceaso: Hermione Granger fashioned the Menstruato Ceaso charm in the winter of her third year at Hogwarts. Menstruato Ceaso avoids the inevitable embarrassment of feminine physiology dropping in unexpectedly whilst you’re toiling away on a Potions final or belittling a particularly cocky member of Slytherin. With the flick of the wrist, magical students can banish their periods to the far corners of the Forbidden Forest.

• Stimulato Anonomi: All Hogwarts students know that with communal dormitories and crowded corridors, it’s almost impossible to find a moment’s privacy. And with all of the students simultaneously navigating the perilous waters of puberty, privacy has never been more important. That’s why Madame Pomfrey, Hogwarts’ default Sex Ed professor, conjured up the Stimulato Anonomi spell, which creates a cone of invisibility around a single student, allowing them a chance to flick their wand or transmogrify their pussycat.

• Choro Galoro: The Gryffindor common room doesn’t clean itself, you know. That’s why Professor McGonagall implemented the chore wheel. But if it seems like you always get stuck scrubbing the scorch marks resulting from someone else’s botched potions assignment, just use the Choro Galoro spell. Recite the words and watch as your chore load is magically dumped on some Irish kid.

• Pedaphilioverboto: Professor Dumbledore is a brilliant and generous man. But ask any student that’s ever been alone with him in his office and they’ll tell you about his “grabby hands”. Thank goodness for small miracles like the Pedaphilioverboto charm.

• Presto BLT: Sometimes the one thing you need more than anything else in the world is a sandwich…

• Revolo Juggulus: We have Fred and George Weasley’s randier prankster predecessors to thank for the Revolo Juggulus charm. Students standing in the Hogwarts library need only swoosh their wand and chant “revolo juggulus” three times to reveal all the magical history, enchanted anthropology and fantastical biology texts that feature pictures, paintings and diagrams with full frontal nudity. And as these are magical texts, students will be delighted to find that all the pictures move and wink suggestively.

• Eliminato Erectato: The Eliminato Erectato spell hides errant erections, a particular nuisance when one is sporting school robes. Lucius Malfoy created the Eliminato Erectato spell in response to his son Draco’s incessant stiffening each time Professor Snape would chide Harry Potter in front of his peers.

• Fin Glamorium: A temporary glamour, the Fin Glamorium charm transforms a mermaid or merman’s fins into legs for a few hours so your midnight trysts to the pond don’t seem so unholy and wrong.

• Pigmento Ebonium: When your invisibility cloak is halfway across the castle and you need to disappear fast, just call on the Pigmento Ebonium spell. Pigmento Ebonium temporarily increases the amount of naturally occurring melanin in your skin, darkening your complexion and removing you from the focus of an overly pasty student body. If you’re still skeptical and don’t think dark skin alone is enough to disappear at Hogwarts, just ask Kunal Patel. There’s no such student at Hogwarts, you say? My point exactly.

• Transmogro Mysterio: A spell of chance that transforms one thing into something completely different at random. The Transmogro Mysterio spell is the wizarding world’s equivalent of Russian roulette. The spell has previously turned pebbles into gold, sprouts into chocolate, and a litter of mutts into a fleet of expensive sport sedans. But those good luck turns come as little consolation to former Transmogro Mysterio practitioner, Seamus “Dick Lips” O’Callaghan.