Last Resorts

by Steven Smith

posted 04.04.06

Craig: Aww, will you look at this?

Bruce: What is it?

Craig: My bank statement. They charged me a ten-dollar service fee.

Bruce: Sorry dude. That sucks.

Craig: They’re charging me money so they can do whatever they want with my savings. I hate bankers. We should round them all up and end problems like this once and for all.

Bruce: Whoa, easy there man. You can’t just go rounding people up.

Craig: Why not? I’m not proposing we harm them, although with these kinds of service fees could you blame me if I did? I’m just saying we create a part of town for them, a whole neighborhood for bankers.

Bruce: You can’t be serious.

Craig: Completely. I’m not an animal dude. It would be a really nice neighborhood. That way all the bankers are happy. And they’re all in one place so we can keep an eye on the service fees their charging to their customers.

Bruce: It’s never gonna work.

Craig: Why not?

Bruce: Some guy already tried something like that and people are still pretty bent out of shape about it.

Craig: With bankers?

Bruce: No. Well, I imagine some of them were bankers but that’s not the point.

Craig: Fine. If people aren’t keen on the neighborhood—

Bruce: Ghetto.

Craig: Neighborhood! If people don’t like that idea, we can ship all the bankers to an island as a last resort.

Bruce: You mean “final solution”.

Craig: Beg your pardon?

Bruce: That other guy, what you’re calling a “last resort” he dubbed “The Final Solution”.

Craig: Did he implement his last resort on an island?

Bruce: You ever been to Poland?

Craig: What?

Bruce: Never mind.

Craig: Anyway, it would be a deluxe, state of the art resort in the Caymans. And we would send all of the bankers and families of bankers there to live and to work for the rest of their lives.

Bruce: The families?

Craig: Well yeah! Don’t be mistaken, banking is in the blood, so we have to send the whole family if we have any hope of isolating the threat.

Bruce: Ya voll!

Craig: Oh! I’ve got a great idea for the emblem that’ll go on the breast of their uniforms. A DOLLAR BILL SIGN!

Bruce: ...

Craig: Don’t look at me that way. If we don’t mark the bankers then people might think they’re just like you and me and then the next thing you know, my bank statement is through the roof. No sir! Not on my watch!

Bruce: This plan of yours’ll be pretty expensive. Imagine what you’ll be paying once your bank opens up Fantasy Island.

Craig: Hmmm. You’re probably right. (wads up bank statement and throws it into the trashcan) Well, it was just an idea.

Bruce: And a gem of an idea at that.

Craig: Come on. We’re gonna be late for the movie. Hey, stop marching around with your legs out in front of you like that. People are starting to stare.

Bruce: “The Last Resort” uber alles.

Craig: And you call me crazy!