A Short Guide to the Major Tenets of Intelligent Design

by Steven Smith

posted 06.12.05

Intelligent design was born out of opposition to the theory of evolution and is investigating whether or not there is empirical evidence that life on Earth was designed by an intelligent agent or agents. Most often, the designer in question is believed to be God. But is there more to intelligent design? What follows is a short guide to the major tenets of intelligent design, lest we evolutionists be caught with our Darwinian models down around our ankles.

• The Designer gave us divine geography, so that we might understand the greatness of the United States. The United States is in North America because north is closer to Heaven. And the United States is larger than the countries it is at war with or will declare war on in the future. Size equals might.

• The Designer gave men and women laps, but tailored them for different purposes. Women’s laps are better suited for balancing large mixing bowls filled with some component of that evening’s dinner. Men’s laps are best used to play “horsey” with their son or for playing “filthy horsey” with their secretary.

• The Designer is responsible for the schematics that led to the first SUVs because he understands the value of sufficient foot room during trips to and from the strip mall. And while The Designer isn’t responsible for the Hummer H2, he has to admit he’s impressed.

• The Designer constructed lakes, rivers and oceans so that brilliant industrialists wouldn’t have to waste their energy disposing of waste and could instead focus on the matters of driving down wages and union busting.

• The Designer created his only son to die for our sins. The Designer also created his only dog to find little kids who’ve fallen down wells. Because, you know, somebody’s got to do that.

• The Designer created several religions, each with conflicting mythologies and contradictory beliefs. He then told the followers of these religions that each was the one true faith. The Designer then created nuclear fusion, automatic weapons and xenophobia, took two steps backward and stuck his fingers in his ears.

• The Designer gave women wombs to birth babies and men hands to hold bibles. Any congress of womb and hand that might lead to an abortion is a violation of divine intent. If The Designer wanted us to kill babies, he would’ve built vaginas with an “off” switch.

• The Designer created high school football superstardom, insurmountable pressure, weak anterior cruciate ligaments, middle age stagnancy and irony.

• The Designer created a Pegasus that jumps over rainbows, vampire leprechauns that oil-wrestle zombie squids, and cherubim with goat’s horns where their privates belong. After a particularly hairy PCP trip, he woke up and decided to un-create these things.

• The Designer created the gentle bliss of a woman’s touch and the herpes simplex virus just to bail out his deadbeat nephew who blew a ton of cash on some underperforming pharmaceutical stock.

• The Designer created higher order primates to distract science-minded people from the plight of the poor and the plan of wealthy, white men to enslave the world.

• The Designer was sad to learn that the ambitious plan he dubbed “The Final Solution” was extrapolated and used to persecute European Jews instead of serving its original purpose: the eradication of ball sweat.