Grasping At Straws

by Steven Smith

posted 01.17.06

I don’t really like people so that’s a, you know, a big strike against me.

So no people then. Just you and…the computer?

Yeah, that sounds about right, doesn’t it? I spend so much of my free time at the computer already; I might as well get paid to do it.

True. Course there’s always the chance you could get burned out on computers.

"Burned out on computers"? What does that even mean? You can’t get burned out on computers!

...

Do you really think I’d get burned out?

Two words: electric guitar.

Well that’s not fair. I’m sitting here thinking of things I can do, long-term to make money, to fill up my bank account. Besides, I’m too busy to practice an hour a day. And I’ve got these small hands.

Small hands, eh? Well we need to take that into consideration.

No we don’t need to take that into consideration. I’m a white-collar guy—

Your shirt’s red.

Would you just shut up!? For one minute? I’m not being literal, ok? I’m just saying that I’m a white-collar guy, you know? With white-collar skills, applying for a white-collar job. And I think it’s highly unlikely that potential employers are going to take up room on an application to ask me about hand size.

Still. Never hurts to be prepared. I’m going to write that down just in case. Hand...size...small.

Fine.

...

I’ve lost my train of thought. It’s that whole hand size thing. You threw me.

Qualifications. What are the things you’re good at and like to do? Figure that out and you’ll figure out where to focus your time and energy.

Umm, ok. Well, the usual things, you know? I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately. And I go to sleep really late.

Ok.

But that’s not really an accomplishment, is it?

Why not?

Well I can’t very well claim to be the best at going to sleep late.

You can’t? When’d you go to sleep last night?

6:30am.

I went to bed at one. See? You beat me at staying up. You are better at staying up late.

I still don’t see where that gets me.

I’ve got “small hands” and “stays up later than most”.

I have a degree!

From where?

It’s this small liberal arts—

Never heard of it.

But you didn’t even—

I said "never—

OK! Jeee-sus! You know, you were supposed to help me figure out my strengths and think of ways to highlight them.

Hell-lo! Pen? Paper? What do you think I’m writing down over here, if not your best attributes?

Attributes, man? None of that shit is gonna give me a competitive edge. I mean, you might as well list that I’m willing to forego bathroom breaks during office hours.

Is that something you can commit to?

No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I’m trying to make a point about how pointless this whole discussion has been.

Rarely...goes...pee.

Forget it. I’m gonna go eat some cereal then take a nap.