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No More Submissions Please, We’ve Settled on America's Funniest Home Video
by Steven Smith
posted 04.25.05
(HOST steps onstage to the sound of enthusiastic applause.)
Host: Thank you and welcome to “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” the show that plays wacky videos from viewers all across the country. I’m Tom Bergeron, your host.
(The audience explodes with applause.)
Host: Thank you. Please…thanks… Now if you folks are anything like my family, you love pets. But if there’s one thing that can be said about the family pet… They’re always up to no good.
(Audience is in stitches, despite absence of any discernable joke.)
Host: (laughing) I know. I know. But wait ‘til you see this! Roll the tape.
(A small toddler slowly stands up on a pair of shaky legs.)
Host: (“baby talk” voiceover) Ga-ga, goo-goo. Baby want to stand up and learn to walk. Gah gah, gee gee.
(A golden retriever charges into frame and knocks the toddler over. As the child falls onto the seat of his diapers, we hear the dubbed sound of breaking glass. The audience laughs and cheers.)
Host: Gah gah, poo poo, pee pee. Doggy make baby fall down. Silly doggy! Waaaaaaaah!
(Video transitions to image of cat lounging atop a television. The audience is uproarious before the HOST begins his voice over.)
Host: (falsetto lisp) Me-owwwwww. I am a kitty and I am tho tired.
(Image cuts to man in studio audience whose eyes are shut, tears streaming down his face. He’s pointing at the screen playing the cat video, laughing and nodding his head in recognition. The broadcast cuts back to the cat that, in trying to stand up, tumbles off the television.)
Host: ROWRRRRR! I fell off the TV. That thtingth.
(Video transitions to image of dog licking himself between his hind legs. A toddler repeatedly baits the dog with a ball, but the dog continues to lick itself.)
Host: Doggy! Dawwww-gee! Play with me! (in dog voice) Reave me arone, kid. Can’t roo see I’m busy? Lick, lick, lick.
(After several failed attempts to engage the dog, the child begins to cry, accompanied by a dubbed fog horn sound effect.)
Host: Wahhhhh!
(Video fades back to HOST. His hands are in his pockets, and he has a wide grin on his face, clearly pleased with himself. The audience laughs and applauds.)
Host: What a great set of videos, eh folks? That last one sure was ruff! Eh?
(The audience laughs on cue. Production assistant steps onstage.)
Host: Folks, how about a round of applause for our PA, Mike. Mike has a really important job here at “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” isn’t that right Mike? Yup. Now go get me some coffee!
(Camera cuts to the same man in the studio audience, laughing, pointing his finger and nodding his head in recognition. MIKE whispers something in the HOST’s ear.)
Host: (to MIKE) You’re kidding me.
Mike: (shakes his head)
Host: The one with the dog licking his balls?
Mike: (nods his head)
Host: Well I’ll be…Folks! You’ll never believe this. It seems we found it. The last video we showed, “Doggy Licks and Kiddy Cries,” that was the one we’ve been looking for over the past 12 seasons. “Doggy Licks and Kiddy Cries” is America’s funniest home video.
(The audience collectively gasps their disapproval.)
Host: Believe me America, this took me by surprise, too. But there’s just no arguing with the evidence. “Doggy Licks and Kiddy Cries” had it all: a dog, a crying baby, inappropriate genital abuse, everything. My producers are telling me that we have the winner on the phone now, a Mrs. Robertson from Poughkeepsie. Mrs. Robertson? Are you there?
Mrs. Robertson: (shouting over the sound of crying babies and barking dogs) I’m sorry you’ll have to speak up!
Host: Mrs. Robertson, it’s Tom Bergeron from “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. We’re calling because your video, “Doggy Licks and Kiddy Cries,” is America’s funniest home video. What do you have to say?
Mrs. Robertson: If you’re calling for my husband, you’ll have to try back after five!
Host: No Mrs. Robertson. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.
Mrs. Robertson: Again about those videos? We returned those videos last week! On time, thank you kindly! Would you hold on, please? (muffled scream) Would you goddamn kids keep it down! Mommy’s on the phone! Tyler! Tyler, stop crying for Christ’s sake and leave that damn dog alone. (returning to the phone) Now you listen here. I dropped those damn tapes off and I don’t want no late charges for some goddamn— (Line goes dead.)
Host: Well, it looks like we lost Mrs. Robertson. But rest assured, her prize money is in the mail. Why don’t we take some questions from the audience? Ummm, you ma’am. In the blue dress.
Woman: How can the show just be coming to an end, Tom?
Host: Well I’m afraid—
Woman: What am I supposed to tell my son? (WOMAN pulls the young boy sitting in the seat next to her to his feet) He loved this show! We loved this show! How can you be sure that last video was, in fact, America’s funniest?
Host: (mumbling) …the kid wanted to play with the ball and the dog was already playing with his own balls. If that ain’t funny, I don’t know what…
Woman: Did you say something?
Host: No!
Woman: My son Johnny is heart-broken! (JOHNNY begins to cry.)
(A close-up on the HOST shows that he is beginning to sweat as the kid’s wails fill a silent studio. After several minutes, the crying is interrupted by a spring sound effect: BOING! The audience, including JOHNNY and his mother, burst into laughter.)
Host: Heh heh, it’s been great America, but it’s time for us to go. Remember to keep those cameras rolling. I’m Tom Bergeron, busy deciding between a return to “Hollywood Squares” and giving up show biz all together. So long!
(Close-up on the man in the audience laughing, pointing and nodding, tears streaming down his face. Credits roll.)