Take That, You Fucking Writer

by Steven Smith

posted 01.31.06

Man! Am I the only one still reeling from the bombshell surrounding “A Million Little Pieces” writer James Frey? I can't believe he’s a liar, and in a memoir no less. If America can’t turn to a genre of hazy recollection for inalienable truth, then we might as well flush our integrity down the toilet. Someone needs to be punished for the 15 dollars and hundreds of hours I’ve wasted reading and consulting a dictionary. I’ve devised a suitable course of action that will not only reinstate our nation’s moral fiber but also set a precedent for anyone else with plans of making us feel things with words!

• Frey’s first-born should be hollowed out, stuffed with pellets of heroin and then dropped from a seventh story window so that Frey might understand how we as a nation have been left hollowed, drugged and dropped from a seventh story window.

• The priest that Frey beat to death should be rebuilt, as a vengeful, Shaolin cyborg and Frey should have to fight the Catholic Killbot to the death. On the moon.

• The federal government should recoup all of the free dental work Frey got when he went into rehab as well the cost of the painkillers. Wait! Scratch that last one. There were no painkillers.

• If you could put a dollar amount on Oprah Winfrey squeezing you off on national television, Frey should have to write a check to Harpo Productions for that much. But then again, Oprah had him back on live television and stamped on his sack, so…we’ll call this one a draw.

• Every surface in Frey’s home should be covered in mirrors.

• Frey should be forced to properly copy edit “A Million Little Pieces”.

• All of Frey’s future books must include the disclaimer: “Author of ‘A Million Little Pieces… of bullshit! And lies and dupes. And untruths.”

• Lilly, Frey’s love interest in the book, didn’t actually hang herself. Which means Anchor Books, the publisher of “Pieces”, owes America one hanged junkie.

• Frey should have to put a “Let Go and Let God” bumper sticker on his car.

• James Frey should have to admit that Jonathan Franzen “told him so”.