Drugs Are Bad

by Steven Smith

posted 03.30.06

The following scenarios were prepared in coordination with the Partnership for a Drug-free America to illustrate the danger of drug use

Weed.

Frat Guy: Hey, you look tense.
Good Girl: I’ve never been to a college party before.
Frat Guy: Relax. Try some of this. It’ll loosen you up.
Good Girl: (inhales) Whoa, you’re right. I feel simultaneously euphoric and defenseless.
Frat Guy: Awesome. Now just sit back and relax while I rape you.

Acid.

Hippie Burnout: Whoa. Who invited the leprechaun?
Short Hippie Burnout w/ Green Felt Hat and Buckled Shoes: What leprechaun? Man, you are tripping so hard right now.
Hippie Burnout: Oh shit. The leprechaun knows I’m trippin’ man. He’s inside my mind and he’s in charge.
Short Hippie Burnout w/ Green Felt Hat and Buckled Shoes: Game over, man. Game over. You need to shut that short fucker down before he ruins your trip. Take my gun.
Hippie Burnout: The Leprechaun gave me a gun, man. He wants me to blow his brains out. This is heavy!
Short Hippie Burnout w/ Green Felt Hat and Buckled Shoes: Wait. What?
Hippie Burnout: Take this you mythical prick!
Short Hippie Burnout w/ Green Felt Hat and Buckled Shoes: Hey, wait a second. WAIT!

GHB.

Organ Pirate: I took the liberty of preparing you a drink while you were in the shower.
Organ Pirate Masquerading as Unsuspecting Victim: Bottoms up.

(seven hours later)

Organ Pirate: Ohhhhhh, my head…where am I…bathtub…full of ice…dull, aching pain where my kidney was…Shit! I fell for the Schweitzer Switcheroo again!

Cocaine.

Muslim Terrorist: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to disturb you. My name is Mohammed and I’m not selling candy to raise money for no basketball team or a school trip. I’m selling cocaine to keep myself out of trouble and to put a little extra money in my pocket, which I will eventually funnel into a vast terrorist network that will fund the ongoing blood feud against filthy Jew dogs around the world and may one day pay for the explosives that I will strap to my body in a campaign to blow up a commuter train like this one, so that I might spend the rest of eternity being pleasured by 70 almond-eyed, comely virgins much like this girl with the UGG boots and the pink iPod mini. Also, at this time I am unable to break a twenty. Thank you for your time.

Meth.

21-year Old Former Model: Hey handsome. If you had to guess, how old would you say I am?
Waiter: Dead?

Glue.

Salutatorian: Hey man, wanna sniff some glue?
Valedictorian: I’ll pass. I’ve got to prepare for our last high school test ever. It’d be a shame to blow my GPA now.
Salutatorian: True. (beat x5) Just one huff?
Valedictorian: Fine. (inhales deeply) Hey, nice crimson sweatshirt you’ve got there. But I can’t make out the school name printed on the front because my vision is so blurry from this sweet glue high. What’s it say?
Salutatorian: Never you mind. Say, I think there’s still some glue left.
Valedictorian: Awesome. I LOVE GETTING HIGH ON GLUE!

Crack.

Babysitter: Shit, not again…

Smack.

Wet Nurse: (squirts milk into baby’s mouth) One drop for you! (pulls back syringe plunger and punctures vein) One drop for me!
Mother: Our baby is such an angel these days.
Father: And we owe it all to the baby-calming properties of that junkie milk!
Baby: (dead)