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My roommate and I sit on our couch each evening with bowls of food in our laps and let the unsettling, hour-long narratives of CSI wash over us. On each commercial break, she turns to me and says, “We could do that Stevie.” She calls me Stevie, but we’re getting off track here. “We could do that Stevie,” she says to me. “We would be the coolest CSIs in the whole department.” “You bet your sweet ass we would, Dubbs. We would run that place.”
I call her Dubbs.
1
Location: Crime Scene
Cause of Death: Auto-erotic asphyxiation
Stevie: (singing) …and he’s wanking a stairway, to Heaven…
Gap-toothed CSI: If you have any hope of beating me for that promotion, you should try to be a little more professional on the job.
Dubbs: What’s eating your ass? (pointing to body) This guy a friend of yours?
Gap-toothed CSI: (brushing away tears) He’s my…he’s my fucking fiancé, all right? So I’d appreciate it if you showed him a little courtesy.
Stevie and Dubbs: …
Stevie: Damn girl, you never told me you were into such kinky shit!
(Gap-toothed CSI runs from the room crying as STEVIE taunts her, miming choking while masturbating)
2
Location: CSI Lab
Stevie: (mouth full of food) Man, this sandwich is fuckin’ gooood! You ever eat lunch at Mickey’s?
Old Trampy CSI: Do me a favor and take that into the break room. If you spill something, all this evidence is ruined.
Stevie: Mickey? Dude makes a meeeeean mother fucking open-faced pastrami. You gotta try a bite of this— (extends arms across evidenced table)
Old Trampy CSI: I told you to take that—
Stevie: Come on, you’ll thank me. Just one bi—OOPS.
Old Trampy CSI: SHIT! You spilled honey fucking mustard in the rape kit.
Stevie: Ooh, umm, no worries. You just gotta stir it around a little bit, like this. See? All better, all better.
Old Trampy CSI: You’re just making it worse. This is the only evidence we had to convict The Kiddy Killer. Now he’s gonna walk. GREAT JOB!
Stevie: Jesus, you act like I’m the one who raped that little girl or something. You can forget about getting a bite of my sandwich.
3
Location: Crime Scene
Cause of Death: Internal hemorrhaging resulting from sexual trauma; neck wounds
Stevie: Deeeeeeeee-amn. (to body) You’ve pretty much ruined all future fucking for me, ma’am. So thanks for that.
Texan CSI: Judging by the way the blood has pooled around the body, this is where she died. It doesn’t appear as though the assailant made
any effort to hide evidence or even to move the body.
Dubbs: (from the other room) Then how do you explain all the blood here in the bedroom?
Texan CSI: And the record for long distance arterial spray goes to…
Stevie: (to body) Awwww, snap! You just got srrrrrved.
4
Location: Crime Scene
Cause of Death: Drive by Shooting
Token Black CSI: Excuse me?
Stevie: I’m just saying that we need to stop fighting each other in the streets and work together. (pumps fist in the air) We shall overcome, right my brother?
Token Black CSI: Whatever. Do me a favor and hand me a pair of those gloves.
Stevie: (hands over the gloves) It’s the least I can do. You did me 300 years worth of favors. I’m glad to do my part to pay it back.
Token Black CSI: Pay what back?
Stevie: You know…cotton, chains, lynchings, Toby, all that shit. Our bad, you know?
Token Black CSI: Keep talking that way and I’ll put two in your dome just like this guy right here.
Stevie: I hear dat, I hear dat. (Beat x3) You know what I’d kill for right now? Some fried chicken.
5
Location: Supervisor’s Office
Stoic Supervisor CSI: I called you two in here because there have been quite a few complaints.
Stevie: Look, if this is about that lab tech Cassie, you can just save your breath. The whole thing was her idea. She said she got
off when I did that to her with the centrifuge.
Stoic Supervisor CSI: This isn’t about Cassie.
Stevie: Good. Cassie is a nice girl, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that bitch probably
had the hanta virus before she even met me.
Dubbs: I heard that. The things that girl could do with a spider.
Stoic Supervisor CSI: And an asshole that is almost nightmarishly elastic…
(DUBBS and STEVIE stare blinking at STOIC SUPERVISOR CSI)
Stoic Supervisor CSI: (snaps back) Ummm, what I meant to say is—I didn’t mean to imply that my asshole—Who wants a raise?
(DUBBS and STEVIE both raise their hands)