Word Processor Tools Used to Police Greater Social Dysfunction

by Steven Smith

posted 09.13.06

Teen Pregnancy

Debbie: Wait, put this on.
Curtis: Naw, I’ll pull out before. Don’t worry.
Debbie: Curtis, I’m not sure. ‘Specially not after last month.
Curtis: Don’t worry, girl. Just relax.
Debbie: No baby, please.
Clippy: You have decided to “pull out before”. What would you like to do?

• Risk pregnancy
• Risk infection
• Use condom
• See more…

Curtis: Woah, woah. What the fuck is that thing?
Debbie: Calm down, baby. That’s just Clippy. He helps me out sometimes with tough decisions. Hey Clippy.
Curtis: Well get him the fuck out of here Debbie. We were about to get it on.
Debbie: Hey Clippy, can you give me and Curtis a few minutes?
Clippy: You are going to “get it on”. What would you like to do?

• Jeopardize future
• Squander youth
• Settle for someone who doesn’t really get you
• See more…

Curtis: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Debbie: Hang on a second, Curtis. Show me more Clippy.
Curtis: Jesus Christ Debbie!
Clippy:

• Apply yourself in school
• Realize your full potential
• Develop into the smart, confident, successful woman your parents and I see each time we look into your eyes
• See previous…

Curtis: Baby, come on. I think you got potential and pretty eyes and all that shit. How about you decide to tell Clippy to “fuck off” and we

• Fuck
• Smoke a bowl
• Play video games and eat a pizza from Gino’s
• See more…

See more, baby? Come on, you know you wanna see more.
Debbie: Dammit Curtis. Would it kill you to try and be a little romantic for once? Clippy is an animated paper clip and he knows more about me than you do.
Curtis: That’s not fair, Deb. You gotta give me another chance. I’m trying.

• Eat you out first, before I get mine
• Go out for spaghetti bolognese at that place with the chianti bottles that are candles
• Puppies and chocolate and shit on your birthday.
• Please see more, please…

Debbie: You just don’t get it, Curtis. I think you should leave.
Curtis: Debb!
Debbie: Curtis.
Curtis: Fine. I’m out. I hope that sonoffabitch can turn into a fucking dildo.
Clippy: (morphs into wagging middle finger)
Curtis: You bastard!
Debbie: Curtis! Leave!
Curtis: You’re both assholes.
Debbie: Sorry about that, Clippy. He can turn into a real prick when he’s horny.
Clippy: You have chosen to “Curtis! Leave!”. What would you like to do?

• Slip out of these clothes
• Draw a hot bath
• Plug our ports
• See more…

Debbie: Mmmmm, see more.