I'm Going To Be a Big-Time Entertainer. I Can Just Feel It.

by Steven Smith

posted 02.18.05

How much you wanna bet that by this time next year, I'll be totally famous? The way I see it, I'm one big break away from being a Big-Time Entertainer! Just you wait. Next time we meet, my name will be up in lights and you'll be serving me lunch.

I know, I know. You think I’m crazy. People said the same thing about my Mom when she entered me in the Lil’ Steppers Line Dance-off when I was just one and a half. She knew I could boot-scoot circles around anyone in the infants and toddlers category. Sure enough the judges were blown away and awarded me the first place Stetson made of sequins and denim and a baby-sized bolo tie. My Mom’s jerk boyfriend, Randy, still says I only won because all the other babies peed their pants or started crying. But I think me not fussing or messing my diaper during my routine was just proof that I was special, even back then. Besides, Randy’s a dick.

What’s that? Oh yeah, your California roll will be out in a minute. It’s funny that you ordered that because I almost moved to Los Angeles instead of coming here. But then I read this unauthorized biography of Jennifer Garner called “Garnering Respect”. Have you read it? Anyways, it was all about how she acted in the theater in New York before she acted in “Alias” in Hollywood. Now she gets paid to work on sets of romantic cities like Paris and Czechoslovakia. The way I see it, the theater was a gateway for Jennifer Garner to see the world, so why not me? What? Yeah, it’ll be out in a few minutes.

So here I am in the Big Apple! That’s a funny name, isn’t it? I see it more as a field of dreams. ‘Member that movie? Jennifer Garner wasn’t in that one, but I liked it anyway. Although instead of rows of corn, New York has rows of streets and yellow taxicabs. And tons more black people.

So why are you eating in the middle of the afternoon? Shouldn’t you be at work? I’m just teasing you. I love kidding around with people. It’s one of my most marketable qualities. I think it’s really important to interact with people, you know? I want to gather tons of life experience so that when that big part comes my way, I’ll have something to draw from. HELLO GOLDEN GLOBE! Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I’ll get you some more napkins to wipe that up. Here you go. Sometimes I get so carried away talking about being a Big-Time Entertainer, I think I’ll just pop!

No, but seriously, what sweet job lets you eat lunch at three in the afternoon? Wait! Lemme guess! Okay, ummmm, choreographer! No, artist! You’re some hip artist from the U.S.S.R., aren’t you? No? You can’t be an actor, ‘cuz I’ve had a subscription to Us and Variety for almost a month now. I would’ve seen your picture in there. I give up! A writer? Really? Me too! The director of the theater club at my old high school in Wichita always told me that it wasn’t enough to act out words. He said only by writing my own words could I hope to understand the “divinity of creation”. I’ve already created three TV spec scripts for “According to Jim”. Do you watch that show? Oh man, it’s freakin’ awesome. In one of my scripts, Jim Belushi’s wife thinks he’s having an affair with a hot new neighbor, and in another one, his kids get sick all over the seats of his newly detailed car. Trust me, they’re even funnier than they sound.

Customers are always telling me I should be a stand-up comedian. I tell them, “Am I standing? Are you laughing? Well I guess I already am one!” I have a real knack for writing comedy. It just comes to me easier than it does other people. Plus, being a comedy writer helps me always be “on” just in case I’m serving an important talent scout. I’d definitely say I’m more castable as an actor-slash-comedian than just an actor.

So anyway, you better look out because now you got some competition for all those writing jobs. I’m just teasing. Remember? From before when I said I like to tease people. So what kind of stuff do you write? Novels, huh? I read one of those for school once. I thought it was gonna be about baseball, but it was just this dumb kid walking around the city and acting like a jerk. I almost didn’t want to move here because I thought the N-Y-C was crawling with guys like that. But the way I see it, no one is gonna stand between me and my dreams. I’m gonna check on your food. I’ll be right back.

They said it’s gonna be a few more minutes. So, you got any writing advice that I can use to really knock ‘em dead? Great! I never would’ve known that, if not for you. What exactly is an adverb? Hey! Where are you going? But your food will be ready in two shakes. Are you sure? Ok. Do you think I could get your number? Maybe we can be writing partners. I’ve got this great idea for a pilot—Even better! My number is on the front of this “According to Jim” script. If you happen to run into Jim Belushi, you can totally just give that to him. Oh, and hey! A big-time writer like you, I bet you know Jennifer Garner, too. You’d better take this. It’s a script for a sequel I just finished. The working-title is “Elektrikal.” I know she’ll love it. Yeah. Well it’s been extremely nice talking with you. OOH! You said don’t use adverbs! Talking to you has been, uhh, nice to the extreme! That’s an improv. You can use that in your next novel if you want. Call me!