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Beating the Rapture
by Steven Smith
posted 09.23.05
It’s not enough to picket gay funerals, read the Left Behind books and support a collective delusion. If you want to ascend to God’s kingdom during the rapture, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you. Here are some tips for making sure you’re among the righteous, courtesy of the First Baptist Church in Vider, Texas.
“Each night before bed, I eat a raw egg and swallow one page of the King James Bible.”
--Kevin Thompson, 17, High School Quarterback
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“The following animals currently reside in God’s ‘wicked’ column and should therefore, not be kept as domesticated pets: kitty cats of all sorts, anything that slithers, dogs that eat their own feces, prideful, strutting monkeys and any manner of bird with bright, ostentatious feathers.”
--Deborah Merrywether, 54, Librarian
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“Never marry a brunette woman. Their ruddy hair color is evidence of sinful behavior and a polluted soul. Not only do blondes have more fun, but they also spend an eternity nestled in the loving arms of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.”
--James Mosley, 43, Car Salesman
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“Curiosity killed the cat and cats can’t read The Bible so I just trust in what my husband tells me. Isn’t our President brave?”
--Tauni Boehler, 36, Homemaker
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“I used to dream about other men at night. Pastor Mike told me that I had a choice if I wanted to spend an eternity next to God in His kingdom. I chose righteousness. Our impulses make us human. Choosing to deny those impulses makes me a good Christian.”
--Frank Casterman, 27, Party Planner
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“First God came for the Christians and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know any Muslims or Jews or actor-types. So that was that, I suppose.”
--Joseph Aaronson, 31, Banker
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“God wants us to live big. Big steaks, big trucks and big tits. Think about it. He made us in his image and he’s flippin’ huge. Do you think God would eat a salad and drive an import? Not my God! No way, no how.”
--Jake Glenn, 26, Marine
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“You can be a stronger Christian soldier by playing close attention to the words you use everyday. Instead of curses, say ‘fooey’ or ‘shucks’. Try replacing the word ‘Earth’ with ‘God’s miracle’. And instead of saying ‘science’, ‘truth’ or ‘thousands upon thousands of peer-evaluated journals packed with empirical evidence’ just stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly.”
--William Locke, 46, Science Teacher (ed. William Locke
is not a member of the First Baptist congregation)